Hillary Duff once tweeted “you don’t know how you can bounce back until you hit rock bottom”. It is in this passage (and her woeful manipulation of the English language) that The Bec find strength. It must be said that she also sang, “If the light is off, then it isn’t on” so it is difficult to know how much meaning to attribute to her vacant platitudes. But, with Hillary Duff in their heads and the raging, beating hearts of a warren of angry badgers the chaps from Tooting descended once more on the blessed turf of the Southern Combination Junior League Division Three to battle The Conquerors in a match that can only be described as ‘more frustrating than trying to sing Happy Birthday to Chinese Nobel laureate Tu YouYou.’

Gio arrived late and fought his hangover in true Badger style by shovelling a handful of Jelly Beans into his face before trying to crap out the booze. Spencer was already mid-gesticulation urging his forwards to take the same approach to scoring as he takes to dating.
“Roofie 70% of the drinks here?” Michael enquired.
Spencer confused, angry and eager-for-beaver replied, “Take the volume approach. If you don’t shoot you don’t score”. Michael’s eyes burned with more excitement than Matty Taylor upon realising that nunchucks are essentially just two dildos tied together with a long chain. Ribbed for your pleasure; blip, bloop, blip, bloop.

Tooting struggled to build any momentum in the first half and quickly found themselves two penalties, and two goals down. The reporter (and left-winger) has little else to say due to his own constant wheezing being quite off-putting. 2-0

The half time whistle came at an opportune time for The Conquerors who took a two-goal lead into the break. In the most brazenly racist banter since the Spice Girls stumbled across the pseudonym ‘scary’ and ‘randomly’ assigned it to Mel B, Nathan enquired as to why the boss decided to play a fat white-guy on the wing. His, selection was justified. Shortly after the whistle Buckley switched the ball to his least-worst foot and similar to a Florida native after an all you can eat buffet soiling himself in self-defence whilst being mugged by a set of Warsaw-born twins, he curled a long one menacingly towards the far Pole. It sailed wide but it was clear that the pressure was building. Joey charged through the midfield and upon contact tumbled to the ground. Ulrich floated the ball towards the box with more delicacy than a nubile bomb disposal officer opens a clock-shaped birthday present from Abu Hamza in a crèche. Nathan rose to meet the ball and much like a basketball player with an erection urinating into a stack of refuse containers, he looped it straight in to the top-bin.

There was a brief kafuffle that involved an injury, two goals, some shouting and Buckley going off with a dehydration-related injury. 3-2. Tom Pinon latched on to a beautiful through ball to deliciously lob the Conqueror’s keeper and level the score. 3-3

The final strike was a product of a lapse in concentration. Umair’s pass, much like a midget taking a dump on a train as it pulled into the station after eating a packet of smoked mackerel was short, ill-timed and more than a little fishy. The Conqueror’s forward picked up the ball and skipped passed the onrushing Bec keeper before sliding it into a gaping net. 4-3

Another loss for The Badgers who are now without a league win in so far this season.

Hopefully they can take solace in the idea that sometimes life throws you a curveball but none of us know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor.

A number of points that are not in the diatribe but deserve a mention:

* Nathan was man of the match, excellently linking midfield and attack.
* Blaney pulled off a couple of superb saves to keep The Bec in the game.
* The defence looked solid and only conceded once from open play.
* Both wing-backs had great games manfully compensating for the wingers playing out of their natural positions.
* Pinon scored a screamer.
* Buckley, when assisted by gravity and the G-force generated by his tits, can run at an above average pace.