Tooting & Mitcham Stadium
19.01.14

The day started badly for the Smiths with the early withdrawal of midfield maesto Mike Schofield from their squad, as well as the crushing news that defensive liability and burger enthusiast Gary Nice wouldn't be 'shoring up' the Bec's back four.

A bumper crowd of 27, mainly pub managers from referee Ian Torpey's area had turned out on this sunny January morning. Goldies skipper Van Cooten won the toss and played into the wind. The first 35 minutes saw some decent football from both sides reminiscent of their salad days. Tooting kept the ball well, playing neat triangles trough the midfield of Wells, McNicholas and Woollacott, only to be thwarted by Titmus and man mountain Trevor Speller. Goldsmiths looked to hit back on the break, with the impressive Pidd overlapping Fred King and joining in the attack. On more than one occasion Tooting got to the byline and centred dangerously, once by Wells which was only just cleared, and then by McNicholas who saw his pass inexplicably skied over the bar from under the cross bar by Mark Tcheang.

Some no nonsense tackling from a trim looking John Smith saw some generous free kicks awarded by Torpey on the edge of the Goldsmiths box, the second chance a fine shot on target by Dan Glover which was barely hacked away to keep the score at 0-0.

Goldsmiths made use of their 56 man squad with frequent substitutions, usually when the Bec were on the attack. Temple came in at centre half and demonstrated a heterosexual array of tackling which belied the vicious slurs printed about him in the programme.

Somebody on the Smiths bench decided to bring on Chris Hibbert, who had clearly fallen fowl of the cheap selection of pies and pasties available in the north of England. After some good approach play by DeLandro, the ball came across to Hibbert, who with an open goal at his mercy, contrived to miss the target and then fall over.

On thirty five minutes however, the irrepressible McNicholas took the ball past the be-Affro'ed Jimmy Abbott and squared to Tchaengy who made sure this time, 1-0 to the Bec.

Darren 'disco' DeLandro, who on this showing was the only Smiths player who had played football before, was a constant threat to the Bec back line with his pace and his bag of tricks. Just before half time, DeLandro fire over from a tight angle. Faisal Malik ran around a bit. Andrew Webb came on for Fred King, and after a few slips and misplaced passes demonstrated why you shouldn't wear street trainers on a 3G artificial pitch despite countless f@cking emails telling him not to do so...

Half time Legends 0-1 Allstars

Chris Hibbert had his £20 returned to him and was asked to take no further part in the match.

After a rousing Russell-Osman-Escape-to-Victory style speech, Smiths took to the field having pushed the lively DeLandro up front with Joel Rogers and Harry Pidd moving into midfield. Almost straight away, Bec broke into the box and Steve McNicholas slotted the ball away nicely. Cue much finger pointing and 'not me guv' gesticulating from the Golsmiths defence, which over the next twenty disastrous minutes went from a back four, to a back two, then back to a three in quick succession. Tchaeng nicked a ball around Cornwell and finished well from a tight angle. After more tinkering with the Goldies back line which saw them take off four players and bring on only three, the evergreen Wells carried the ball into the the final third and his slide rule pass was expertly dispatched past the oncoming Cornwell for Tooting's fourth goal.

Having established that having eleven players on the pitch is key, Goldies pushed for any kind of consolation from a match that was becoming farcical. Excellent one touch football by DeLandro, Stein and Rogers resulted in a first time left foot shot from Nautical poster boy Harry Pidd which Bec stopper Oliver Bone was sharp to turn around the post. Bone was called into action minutes later as Pidd volleyed straight at him, and after a sustained period of pressure, the ball fell to DeLandro who volleyed into the far corner with impeccable technique. 4-1, the comeback was on. Or was it?

Bad news was to follow for Goldsmiths as genuine legend Bertie Stein pulled up injured as he was bursting into the Bec area. A nothing cross from the left was lost in the sun by thalidomide-done-well full back Arron Dowie, which allowed Pat Hill to cut in and finish accurately for Tooting's fifth. Hill was later under close scrutiny from assistant referee Ms Jones as he blatantly dived in the Smiths penalty box, and with Ian Torpey struggling to keep up with play he had to trust the opinion of his fellow official.

Steve McNicholas sportingly stayed on his feet having been cynically fouled trying to round Cornwell, who by now had 'had enough of this sh!te'.

Evergreen social hand grenade Ed Kennedy cheekily scooped the ball over Cornwell for the goal of the game and Bec's sixth. Wells and Charlie Hill both saw their shots saved, with the latter guilty of a glaring miss which will surely haunt him for years to come. Cornwell cleared against the ample frame of Wells who could only watch as the rebound flew agonisingly past the post and out for a goal kick. McNicholas bottled his chance of a hat trick, shooting wide to the jeers of his team mates on the side line, and Pat Hill added his second goal of the day, a close range finish following more comical Goldsmiths defending.

A cynical challenge on Pidd in the Bec penalty area lead to Assistant referee Kevin Jones, in spite of his Royal Holloway University attire, award a Goldsmiths penalty. When he finally arrived at the other end of the field, regular college penalty taker Cornwell send the gullible Bone the wrong way to make the score line 7-2.

Thankfully, the final whistle came shortly afterwards. As Tooting celebrated their comprehensive victory, accusations starting flying around the Goldsmiths dressing room as to who was to blame for such a terrible result. In the end, everyone agreed that it was the underhand, undermining text campaign from Toronto during the build up to the match that had unsettled the whole squad. Then it was all back to Bertie's for some food, drink and substandard banter. For both sides it was a long awaited opportunity to catch up, swap stories and google the words 'Jimmy Hogg', 'herpes' and 'Giles Rush'...

A few people to thank for making the day a success...

Steff Wells of TBFC for organising his guys and sorting out the pitch.
Terry Tuvey of RPVFC for lending Goldies a full kit and match balls.
Rob Tuvey of AFC Wimbledon for loaning us a refs kit.
Faisal Malik and Oli Bone for sorting out the raffle sales.
Stockers, for MC'ing the raffle.
Thank you to everyone who donated prizes towards the raffle.
The staff of Bertie's Bar for looking after us after the match.
Donald, Dritan, Ian and their teams from Ian Torpey's area who came and showed their support.
Thanks to Our official photographers Davis and NVC's daughter.
The match day officials, Ian, Kevin & Fiona who generously gave their one to officiate a truly poor game of football.

We hope you enjoyed the day. Kevin, we hope that your RHUL shorts spontaneously combust while you are at the wheel of your car.

Finally, thank you to all the players who travelled from far and wide to play in this match, donating £20 each to the cause in doing so. For Chris Hibbert that meant £10 a minute. Bertie Stein was the day's only casualty with what looks like a ruptured Achilles' tendon. We all wish him a speedy recovery to what is a nasty injury. It is testament to such a top man that he only went to A&E after he had first sunk a few pints with his team mates back at the pub.

After counting everything up, we raised a little over £1000 for Great Ormond StreetHospital, so it was all worth it in the end! Thank you everyone, until next time...

Eddo